[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
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Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
A roof is a house hat.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card