Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
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I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
dream blunt rotation
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?