*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I saw this ending much differently.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Xylophonist Shredding It
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.