[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
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Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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4.
5.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Ghost costume 😂
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.