I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
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Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
The Friday File.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.