Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
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Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.