Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
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Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
shit just got real
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Oh the world we live in…
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use