The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
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*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.