[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I have so many questions.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Netflix: We have Less
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
How to make infinite energy.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago