Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
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To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.