Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
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HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.