Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
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BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Siri: Retweet me.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
notice
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.