I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
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“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!