I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
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I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???