When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
A double negative is a big no-no.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂