Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
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I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Time heals everything 🙂
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Pat is about to own someone
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Finally!
Fries, not lies.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe