“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
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Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.