THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
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Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
concern
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
😏😏😏
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”