meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.