Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
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If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”