Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
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Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while