Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
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Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Not all heroes wear capes.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”