Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
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Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem