HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
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How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order