I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
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I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
my dog when i have a friend over
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
lmfao