Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
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Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?