my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
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ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.