My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
When you’re Kinky but poor
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened