Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
You Might Also Like
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.