“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
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My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
A Short Story.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Comparing yourself to others
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.