Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
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I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
who did the taste test?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.