We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
You Might Also Like
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I have obtained a hat
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.