One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
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Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
good work, detective
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.