Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
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*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.