If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
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Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.