October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
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If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.