Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Life hack
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down