CRYING
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Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I only treason on days ending in y
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?