I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
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16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I’m Sold!