Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
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Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
whenever i wake up before my alarm
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…