The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
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Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Who did it better?
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean