[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
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Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
the #horror is real!
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted