Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
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A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I cannot stop laughing at this
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??