Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
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[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.