My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
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You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.