I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
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Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*