Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
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I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
kevin is now a local weatherman
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
🤣😂
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival