The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .