“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
You Might Also Like
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus