6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
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My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors